a shifty conversation

short stories collection - a compilation of my short stories.

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This short harkens back to some of the older short stories I used to write that focused on word play. It also allows me to hide some of the story and clues as to its meaning within the structure of the punctuation and grammar itself, which is always fun. Plus, gets me back in the mode of posting short stories, especially as I try and finish some of the longer ones I have been working on.

“Colonel (C): Hi.”

“Operator (O): HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?”

“C: You have caps lock on.”

“O: NO I DO NOT!”

“C: Then take your finger off of the shift key.”

“O: MY FINGER IS NOT ON THE SHIFT KEY!”

“C: Type 8.”

“O: EIGHT>”

“C: No, I mean the number 8, exactly as I have typed it.”

“O: OO>”

“C: What?”

“O: I CHOOSE TO TYPE MY NUMBERS ROTATED!”

“C: You have the shift key pressed down...anyways, the reason why we are chatting is to discuss my departure.”

“O: WE HAVE REVOKED THE ID PASS< YOUR DNA DID NOT CHECK OUT>>>”

“C: You just type ‘<’ instead of ‘,’ and have been typing ‘>’ instead of ‘.’. Definitely holding down the shift key.”

“O: I ONLY HAVE CAPITAL LETTERS ON MY KEYBOARD>”

“C: If you...oh nevermind, just tell me about the ID pass.”

“O: REVOKED! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?”

“C: Can you explain the reasons for revoking the ID pass? I need to leave the station rather soon.”

“O: YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE SUCH A DECISION< NEXT QUESTION?”

“C: I am a colonel, I definitely have the authority at this station. Who’s downgraded my access privileges?”

“O: HOW DO YOU LIKE PINK DRESSES?”

“C: WTF? Why...”

“O: AH< SO YOU ALSO LIKE TO TYPE WITH CAPS AS WELL? WE CAN BECOME FAST FRIENDS NOW!”

“C: Ummm, no. Please, can we just get to the point. Who has...”

“O: NOW< LAST TIME I TALKED WITH YOU< ALL YOU WANTED WAS A QUICK DNA TUNEUP< NOW YOU ARE ASKING ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND I AM GETTING CONFUSED>>>”

“C: Just stop. Please. Can you connect me with another...”

“O: >>>AND NERVOUS> PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT ME< OKAY?”

“C: WHAT ID NUMBER DID I GIVE YOU LAST TIME?”

“O: %$#@!&()”

“C: You have the shift key enabled...”

“O: SORRY< HERE IS THE NUMBER ”

“C: Hello?”

“O: SORRY< MY KEYBOARD DOES NOT CONTAIN NUMERIC ENTRY DEVICES< PERHAPS I CAN SPELL OUT THE NUMBERS YOU GAVE?”

“C: You tried using the numpad...”

“O: PLEASE SIR< DO NOT CLAIM THAT WHICH YOU DO NOT KNOW> I DO NOT HAVE ANY NUMERIC ENTRY DEVICES> NOW ABOUT YOUR LAST VISIT> IT SEEMS THAT THE DNA DID NOT CHECK OUT CORRECTLY AND WELL NEED YOU TO COME IN FOR A SECONDARY SCREENING> WHEN WOULD YOU BE AVALIABLE?”

“C: I just want to get my ID pass cleared so I can get to my departing transporter on time. Could you please re-route me to another operator or I will just continue reconnecting until I am given someone who can be of more help.”

“O: I AM SORRY< BUT THERE IS CURRENTLY ONLY A SINGLE OPERATOR PRESENT AND THAT IS ME>”

“C: ...”

“O: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THE SECONDARY SCREENING? IT ONLY COSTS>>>”

“C: I AM A COLONEL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

“O: I am confused as to why you are yelling and getting angry. I only want to advise you of an important secondary screen to ensure that your DNA remains valid.”

“C: Wait, what? That’s sentence case...you took your finger off the shift key.”

“O: WHAT SHIFT KEY?”

“C: [Sigh] Just tell me about the secondary screening.”

“O: YOU HAVE BEEN SCHEDULED TO MEET ON FOURTH MITHUNA> DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS DATE?”

“C: Hold on, I need to know...”

“O: Do you agree with this date?”

“C: ...setup the appointment. Now about the ID pass.”

“O: YOUR ID PASS HAS BEEN VALID THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION< WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP?”

“C: ...is this your idea of fun?”

“O: DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER REQUESTS? I HAVE IMPORTANT MATTERS WITH WHICH TO ATTEND.”

“C: No, thank you.”

“O: THANK YOU!”

“C: [Conversation terminated: record locator 10e8892p1020a999.]”

“O: CONVERSATION TERMINATED: RECORD LOCATOR !)E**(@P!)@)A(((>

-biafra

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©2006-2017 | biafra ahanonu | updated 19 june 2017
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