from the archives: declaration of independence, internet edition


A revised Declaration of Independence I did awhile ago (i.e. high school) for a writing class. It is slightly a mockery of the style of writing sometimes used back then, e.g. finding unnecessarily complicated ways of saying a simple concept; long, ponderous sentences; and an abuse of the Capital.

A revised Declaration of Independence I did awhile ago (i.e. high school) for a writing class. It is slightly a mockery of the style of writing sometimes used back then, e.g. finding unnecessarily complicated ways of saying a simple concept; long, ponderous sentences; and an abuse of the Capital.

The Declaration of Independence from the Internet

In the Cloud, February 12, 2008

The wholly concordant Declaration of the Addicts of the Internet,

The march of History dictates, that the Trend of human events is toward information and progress, and if by the directive of the people, such circumstances lead to the establishment of a Vortex, which neither mind nor body can escape, through the Laws and Rights so granted by Allah and all lesser Entities, with naught a hint of disrespect as to the opinions and Rights with whom the Issue may occur, Persons shall deem it necessary and proper to declare from the Internet the reasons which impel them to dissever.

We wikied such Truths to be quite indiscreet, that all Connections are not created equal, that they are not provided by ISPs with certain required Services, that among these are Reliability, Speed and the pursuit of Knowledge. That to gain these Services, competition amongst ISPs must be allowed for, with said system disallowing creeping mercantilism, consigning such Services from the money of the People. That to allow for such occurrences, Institutions blogged about by Men must be establish, such that said transaction shall be allowed to take place. That such events have not transpired, that the People have not blogged enough to impel someone to action, is of equal consequence of the Vortex, that said persons are too busy surfing the Internet to rise up against the ISPs, that such events require the work of such People who have not yet been swallowed by the Internet. That mankind is disposed to sit and suffer, without the slightest action in attempted assuagement, is not of slight importance. However, that Creature, who by compulsion and greed deems it necessary to secede from the Vortex, is to be exiled from the community, that the obsession of the Facebookers, and Allah forbid the wretched saps known to be Myspacers, to discuss what they plan to do, rather than actually did, will impel them to shun physical exertion and excommunicate said Creature from the community. Such a Creature shall institute new mediums by which, as granted by the esteemed Allah, no Connection is needed and Services are given, that to secured such mediums, money must be transferred freely by men. It is the History of the present Administrators of the Internet that have compelled us, through action or inaction, to settle upon such new mediums and their creation, so as to submit to a livid world, the following list of incontrovertible abuses and usurpations so committed by the Internet.

  • It hath destroyed Man’s faith in his fellow man and in doing so, created a generation of skeptics, neo-Marxist, anticapitalists and false populist.
  • It hath given us an endless stream of fatuous, barbaric and ignomic details into the lives of Others, details as described in the wretched medium of asinine drivel known as blogs.
  • It hath presented those wicked Minds with the means and tools by which history is edited, revised and deleted, said Wikipedians apply.
  • It hath subjected us to inane videos of exploding watermelons, paunchy dancing people and horrible singers.
  • It hath endowed upon us endless threads of fanboy rants, troll instigated flame wars and all other manner of despondent arguments and attempted debates.
  • It hath forbidden the establishment, as previously hinted upon, of calm, fettered and vulgarity free debate.
  • It hath revoked our ability to seek, obtain and source reliable information.
  • It hath poisoned our relation with our non-Addicted brethren, tearing a rift between our once friendly people and souring the bonds long held through the perpetration of lies and development of mutual suspicion and paranoia, for each Side must view the other as an Enemy of their way of life.
  • It hath eliminate the need to wait for love to find you, rather you find love.
  • It hath damaged the relation between customer and corporation, beneficiary and organization, client and concern.
  • It hath institutionalized and made acceptable the ravaging of others property by means of mass dispersion of resources and Connections, false populists and sideslip collectivists amongst the allies of the restriction and corruption of our Allah given Rights.
  • It hath erected sites which, by means of irresistible deals, have stolen and ravished the money of Our constituents, have undermined and discredited the strength of Our business, have deterred and frightened the trust in Our lives.
  • It hath provided an endless list of links by which Our and others time is constantly lost, such links, as is known by the Internet, to contain information just interesting enough to read but not substantive enough to be worth an Addicts time.
  • For killing what individualism and uniqueness man once possessed, through the rapid plagiarism and dissemination of intellectual property:
  • For legitimizing the belief that people care what you think:
  • For propping up the false belief that pure democracy works, is healthy for a people and better than a Republic:
  • For destroying Man’s ambition, initiative and want of work:
  • For revealing the naked form, function and fickleness of the human event know as Sex:
  • For debilitating our children and spoiling their youth by providing easy access to figures of the nude, in action or without, and other vulgarities:
  • For imbibing our money and time by means of Massively Multiplayer Online games, premium content and microtransactions:
  • For coalescing the worst of our society and providing them the means by which to ravish, rape and rankle our children:
  • For seeking to eliminate the need for physical collections and non-digital media, both by means of altruistic environmentalists, whom bed with the collectivist and populist, and through Easy of Use so prevalent upon the Internet, as to dissolve the want of many for the Paper.
  • It hath distraught us by means of connecting and disconnecting at whim, without regard to weather, time or net worth.
  • It hath repelled the Greatest Generation by means of complex addresses, schizophrenic layouts and blasphemous editorials.
  • It hath ignited the extremist Left and the zealot Right to new manner of indignation by claims so made as consummation with thy Enemy.
  • It hath elevated the witless, the improper, the ditsy, the fat, the ugly, the pompous, ad nauseam.
  • It hath siphoned away time, space, and money by providing, by means of articles, posts and all other manner of dissemination of information, Our senses with that which is irresistible regardless of sex, age or condition.

At every page of this Addiction We have Emailed for Compensation in the most proper formatting: Our recurrent Emails have been replied to with recurrent forwarding and links. An Administrator whose every IM and post may define a Moderator, is not fit to ensnared Members with further content.

But We have flamed, addicts and casuals alike, said Administrators from time to time of attempts by their webmasters to instituted new rules and regulations unwanted by various communities. We have emailed the Administrators, requests that in the most non-threatening terms asks them to stop the use of links at the end of articles, so frees us of burdens due to reading hundreds more articles for every article read. We have left posts on the articles, in hopes our hollers and opinions would end the influx of useless yet sizzling information. We must therefore, through necessary and proper means, quit visits of said sites and banish ourselves from the irresistible want of clicking “just one more link”; Administrators feed content to us, we need not eat content from them.

We, consequently, the Addicts and Surfers of the Internet, Online, appeal to the chief Moderator of the world, whose power thus lie beneath Allah, to reply and comment on our intention, be it posted in a thread or in fashion to be described, to invoke the right, that which the retched Franklin D. Roosevelt so attempted to revoke, to transfer Our money, in a manner seen fit, from one ISP to another and to, without consequence for said action, terminate Our subscription if the referred ISPs Services are not deemed adequate, that these enlightened Addicts do describe and put forth, in said manner, that mediums which operate without the need for the Internet; that the Google team, who has subjugated its converts and subjects to unwilling servitude and dependence, that has hence forth waged war upon our solemn Declaration, that is but proof of our full and necessary power to conduct contracts, in any manner so chosen, that are in line with those rights so established by our Creator. And to rally behind this Declaration, with an impeccable trust in the ineffable Allah, we concordantly plight to each other our Connections, our Credibility and our righteous Conviction.


Addicts: WoW Players, Researching Students, Office Workers
Concerns: Borders, Blockbuster, Circuit City
Institutions: Family, Prostitution, Newspapers

bahanonu [at]

©2006-2018 | biafra ahanonu | updated 31 january 2018
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